Breathe

I’ve never been good at explaining how I felt about you. But long story short, I miss you so much and I wish you weren’t on the other side of the country, so far away from me.

Some days I feel like I miss you so much that I can’t breathe. While other days, I feel like it was the best decision in the world to have you and I out of each other’s lives.

I can’t explain how I feel anymore. It’s like I hate you and then I miss you; I want to throw you off a cliff and then rush to the bottom just to catch you.

is a big fucking this to me since none of my “friends” are trustworthy. 

I only trust two people that aren’t family, Lily and Michelle, but they’re so close to my heart that they’re basically family. Fuck all the rest.

You and I met last year. We had two classes together - history and French - and somehow after getting to know each other, I started getting comfortable around you and started bothering you as if you were my best friend. We never talked in French, but in history, I’d sit behind you and bother you about your clothes and make fun of you. After a while, my classes changed and I only had French with you. And after another while, that changed too. But oddly, when I changed French classes, your’s changed as well and we had the same hour French class.

So we began to talk. I don’t know why but you and I talked more online and eventually that led to texting and phone calls late at night and the usual “best friend” kind of thing. And so you and I became the best of friends and everyone at school thought we were dating and we weren’t because A) I didn’t have feelings for you like that and B) I doubted you felt the same. But after more time and talking, my feelings for you as a friend grew into something more. No one knew I liked you this way and I was trying to deny them. But as months went on, you would ask me about who I liked and I had to tell you that I had minor crushes on “cute” people at school. Which were sometimes lies. Eventually, the truth came out and I told you I liked you. Surprisingly, you told me you felt the same way. 

On April 25th, you asked me out. That night, my friend Lily was at my house and she encouraged me to say yes, so I replied: “Okay :)” and the following day, we went on our first date. It was a group date; you, me, Lily, Johnathon and Cindy (who were going out at this time) and we all went to Arbor lakes to watch a movie and shop. It was a little weird between you and I because we’ve only hung out as friends before. But regardless, the date was amazing, we ended the night with a hug and you and Johnathon left. 

The following week, you and I began holding hands and we were basically inseparable at school. The first two in a half months of our relationship was great. We walked home after school often - to your place, to Lily’s place, to the library - even though it’d take hours sometimes. And we’d go on movie dates a lot and brought Lily. And we’d even go to (Osseo) lock-ins and things like that just to end up finding ourselves in a small room making out. But then school ended and it seemed like your feelings for me did too. I left for California for the summer and three days before I left, we went on our last date and I realized then that our whole relationship had changed. We barely touched each other nor said any words to each other. Your brother was there and so was Lily, so we ended up talking to them instead of each other. 

As soon as that date ended, I knew that our relationship was over. But regardless of what my head knew, my heart wanted to pretend that you and I would work. I don’t believe in love, yet I believed in us. You made me feel happy, genuinely happy. Something that I would to feel now. But things changed between us and our relationship only made it to 4 months and 2 days. That night that we broke up, I convinced myself that I wasn’t sad because I didn’t love (you) and that it was just another teen breakup I’ll have to get over. But weeks passed and summer ended and once I saw that you were so different, I started to wonder, “what if…” and that lead me here. Right now, I don’t know what I feel. I miss you, but at the same time I know that you don’t miss me so there’s no point. 

I try to see the best in things and people, and I’m trying to find a good reason to still believe there’s a chance for you and I but I know there’s not. I just hope that I get closure from you one day, because I’m tired of missing you and hoping things will get better.

Goodbye, Tayone.

I don’t know what’s real an what’s not anymore. I only can know for sure when something is “real” when it actually happens.

For example, I know for sure that I have school tomorrow but it doesn’t seem “real”. But I don’t know.

I’ve lost my mind again.