Breathe

You and I met last year. We had two classes together - history and French - and somehow after getting to know each other, I started getting comfortable around you and started bothering you as if you were my best friend. We never talked in French, but in history, I’d sit behind you and bother you about your clothes and make fun of you. After a while, my classes changed and I only had French with you. And after another while, that changed too. But oddly, when I changed French classes, your’s changed as well and we had the same hour French class.

So we began to talk. I don’t know why but you and I talked more online and eventually that led to texting and phone calls late at night and the usual “best friend” kind of thing. And so you and I became the best of friends and everyone at school thought we were dating and we weren’t because A) I didn’t have feelings for you like that and B) I doubted you felt the same. But after more time and talking, my feelings for you as a friend grew into something more. No one knew I liked you this way and I was trying to deny them. But as months went on, you would ask me about who I liked and I had to tell you that I had minor crushes on “cute” people at school. Which were sometimes lies. Eventually, the truth came out and I told you I liked you. Surprisingly, you told me you felt the same way. 

On April 25th, you asked me out. That night, my friend Lily was at my house and she encouraged me to say yes, so I replied: “Okay :)” and the following day, we went on our first date. It was a group date; you, me, Lily, Johnathon and Cindy (who were going out at this time) and we all went to Arbor lakes to watch a movie and shop. It was a little weird between you and I because we’ve only hung out as friends before. But regardless, the date was amazing, we ended the night with a hug and you and Johnathon left. 

The following week, you and I began holding hands and we were basically inseparable at school. The first two in a half months of our relationship was great. We walked home after school often - to your place, to Lily’s place, to the library - even though it’d take hours sometimes. And we’d go on movie dates a lot and brought Lily. And we’d even go to (Osseo) lock-ins and things like that just to end up finding ourselves in a small room making out. But then school ended and it seemed like your feelings for me did too. I left for California for the summer and three days before I left, we went on our last date and I realized then that our whole relationship had changed. We barely touched each other nor said any words to each other. Your brother was there and so was Lily, so we ended up talking to them instead of each other. 

As soon as that date ended, I knew that our relationship was over. But regardless of what my head knew, my heart wanted to pretend that you and I would work. I don’t believe in love, yet I believed in us. You made me feel happy, genuinely happy. Something that I would to feel now. But things changed between us and our relationship only made it to 4 months and 2 days. That night that we broke up, I convinced myself that I wasn’t sad because I didn’t love (you) and that it was just another teen breakup I’ll have to get over. But weeks passed and summer ended and once I saw that you were so different, I started to wonder, “what if…” and that lead me here. Right now, I don’t know what I feel. I miss you, but at the same time I know that you don’t miss me so there’s no point. 

I try to see the best in things and people, and I’m trying to find a good reason to still believe there’s a chance for you and I but I know there’s not. I just hope that I get closure from you one day, because I’m tired of missing you and hoping things will get better.

Goodbye, Tayone.

I went to school wearing my wedges because I felt like dressing up for 11-11-11. After a couple of my classes, I started to feel really cold and sleepy. I borrowed my friend Erik’s sweater and once I had it on, I was still cold. After lunch, I had choir, and I was asleep for the half the class. I kept dozing off. Once that class ended, I had to walk all the way upstairs to history, and I wasn’t as sleepy in that class. But when my lazy class of the day came, science, I fell asleep. My science teacher didn’t say anything to me, but I’m sure she noticed I was dozed off for about half the class.

I barely understood anything I “learned” the whole day at school. I started feeling really sick and once I got all my things, I ignored everyone and got onto my bus and slept. My bus ride is about 20 to 30 minutes, so I was asleep until I got home. Good thing it was a friday. Once I entered the house, I changed and put on a really warm sweater with fur and had two blankets on my bed. I fell asleep for 4 in a half hours. I still had a fever when I woke up.

Now about 11-11-11. I wad at school for the 11:11 AM on 11-11-11, and I tweeted at the time, but I didn’t even tweet correctly. I tweeted “Tweeting at 11:11 PM on 11/11/11!” and I felt really stupid to tweet the wrong thing that only comes once in a lifetime… So I deleted the tweet. I waited for 1:11 11-11-11 to tweet but that was in history when I was starting to get sleepy. And then I wanted to tweet at 11:11 PM on 11-11-11 at night, but sadly, I was too weak and I had a fever, so I was asleep the whole time. I feel bad I couldn’t be awake for 11:11 PM on 11-11-11 but I was sick, so it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t have any wishes anyway…

It was also veterans day! I want to thank all the people who protect out nation and country (=

(it is now 11-12-11…)

but I’m just tired of letting people make me do this and do that and trample all over me. I’m tired of it so I’m doing something about it; I’m standing up for myself by being a bitch.

Don’t take it personal

If you find me annoying or don’t like me (in general, as a person, as a friend, etc.) I’d rather you tell me straight up and not let me think you’re a friend or someone I can trust.

I don’t fear rejection anymore. I’ve learned to dealt with it because there’s nothing else I can do.

So please, if you don’t like me, let me know. I’d rather have people hate me and me knowing it than people I trust secretly hating me.

Just last week, I was beaming with happiness because I told myself this. I honestly felt like this was true. And then you changed your status to “In a relationship” and then I corrupted. 

As much as I’m pretending not to care, it does bother me a little bit that you’re with someone else. But I’m going to get over it because time heals, and I sincerely hope she fucks your feelings up like you did to me. I’m happy for you but I honestly wouldn’t mind if karma came around and did that to you.

Goodbye forever, Ex

I don’t know why I always feel like there’s something… “wrong”. I never feel fully satisfied or happy with my life and where it’s at. I just miss feeling happy and confident. Now, I just… I don’t know how to explain it.

I need to leave. I feel suffocated here with everyone. God, I wish I had a car/could drive or atleast a friend (who could drive) who’d be willing to go on a road trip with me. Just for a day. Anywhere, just as long as we get out of this place…

I still have memories of us that I don’t want anymore. I don’t want them anymore because they’re the good memories that make me miss you/us.

Being lonely is a completely different story from being alone. I feel like everyday, no matter what amount of people I’m around, I always find myself lonely. But I guess I can take some of the blame for feeling that way; I’ve been trying so hard to isolate myself from everyone. Why? Because no one’s worth it anymore. No has proven to me that they’re worth my trust, faith, etc. They’ve only proven to me that they’re not worthy of those things. 

So maybe I’m just alone and lonely. I can’t do anything about it. I just want to get out of this God forsaken place.